


Get Out of My Swamp

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Real Person Fiction
Genre: Crack, Donkeys, M/M, Mpreg, Not to be taken seriously, Ogres, Rabbits, Requested fic, Satire, Smut, Weird Sex, based on the new baking video, crackfic, i regret writing this, loads of traumatized rabbits, phanfic, raw meringue mixture, references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-10-18 12:33:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 802
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10617009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: A sequel to Spooky Secs with Barry the Bowl! This time Dan is a donkey and Phil is an ogre in an enchanted forest, where a swamp of meringue mix dwells before them...





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Pelican_Island](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pelican_Island/gifts).



> God, I'm so, so sorry. I tried to make this as cringey and '???' as possible, please keep in mind that the author is writing satire here. xD
> 
> Also there isn't as much memes as there are references from the new baking vid (I know Pelican_Island requested memes but I kinda forgot to litter the story with them, nonetheless I still hope they like it!! <3)

 

  
Phil’s thicc hands cradled Dan’s donkey hips as they trod through the swamp of raw lemon meringue, clouds from up above looming over the two lovers and casting shadows due to their eREKT nippies. Meanwhile, with the scenery making _no fucking sense whatsoever,_ (let’s just make it a fairytale forest) bunnies began gamboling and huddling around Ogre!Phil and Donkey!Dan in delight. All kinds of wonderful defects caused by unsteady hands reminded the couple how fucking shit they were at squeezing le liquid (iykwim wink wonK)

All of a sudden, Phil felt strokes from a baby weasel.

“It’s time, Dan.” Phil cooed to his arsey friend.

“mmmffffUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAHAAHAHAHAHCUUCUCCUSHSSSHHH!!!!!!!!!!” said Dan, very, very quietly.

“Let’s start the _real_ baking.” Phil winked, with a suggestive expression. Dan recoiled and shot back an angry face.

“no snifing no tweeccing, no milking; **pastel personas, phil.”**

“Naw babe ;(“

**“** S͠͏҉̨͚̟͈̤͜ͅO̸̞̝̠͔͇̬̹̥̼̺̜̤̠̟͇͈̕͢ͅF̨͓͉̘̦̻̭͍̗̭̗͎͎ͅͅT̴̳̣̺̞̤͕̮͕̰̜̩͔̩͔͘ ̧̹͙̘̮͓̱͇̗A̶̧͉̜̣̲̘̣̦̬̙͘͢͡N̢͏͇̜͈̝D͏̡̬̤̘͖͢͞ ҉͉̠̟̖͇̻͜͠P̡̠̠̬̟̲̘̝͖̣͜͡͠A̸̛̻̼̼̠͚̱̬͎̳͚̣̥͖̹̞͟S̸̶̶̹̤͙̮̻̰͕͓̱̙̖̕ͅT͝͏̧̝̤̤̲̩̪̱̳̙͞E̲̝͔̻͇̺͉̙̬͕͔̕L҉҉̖͓͎̹̫ **”** whispered Dan, very very quietly again.  
  


“Have you been doing your homowork?”  Fil sed in his fuccboi tone (dont juj)

“yis my daddy”

And so the baking began. Phil took off Dan’s layers one by one, with the latter’s XXXL dungarees and silk panties dropping into the raw meringue. Dan’s ass was exposed. He _was_ an ass. A right ol’ donk.  A rabbit caught a boner from this, no lie. Even Obama was there.

“100 grams of caster sugar.” Phil poured the sugar inside of Dan.

“nunu fil i think ur goin abit cray cray???!!!” grunted Dan. Phil’s eyes which had the colour of regret!blue widened. “THAT’S ONE KILO!”

“Abort! Abort the mission!”

“we cunt abort our babby!!!!” screamed an oddly pro-life Dan, kicking the ogre with his hind hoof.

“There is no babby, Dan. I’m afraid to say that’s not how reproduction works.” explained Phil, as he was still thinking of a way to get his donkey boyfriend pregnat from his ogre sperm and raw meringue. “You haven’t been doing your homowork…”

Instead, Phil decided to use the meringue derived from the swamp rather than making it again from scratch, and came to the conclusion that it even though it was whisked, it deserved a bit more mixing.

“Time to wack it in the piping bags!” exclaimed Phil, excitedly.

“delikatly, delikatly spoon tehm in. no waccin.” Dan ordered, putting his hoof Phil’s shoulder which was 1000 feet up high because he was an ogre. Dan was very flexible, okay?

The ogre submerged his meaty sosig fingers in the piping bag. “Why does my mind always go to lambing whenever I put my hand in?”

“FIL!!!” whined Dan in caps lock, growing impatient. “ur not fuccing a lamb r u instead of mi???”

“No, But I have made love to a bowl before. So have you.”

“lol yh kk.”

“Boy, I’m gonna have one giant arm by the end of this.” Phil quivered in antittypation, his ogre nips sprouting from his yeezy potato sack borrowed from Dan, which he often wore unironically. He finished filling up the donkey with the meringue liquid from the piping bag and stuck in his dick which happened to be a whisk, an _electronic_ one this time; and began to prepare the mixture inside of Dan and hoped it made a babby.

**_~5000 HOURS LATER~_ **

“IT’S BEEN SO LONG!” Phil cried, literally. “KILL MEEE!”

However, it seemed that Dan didn’t take much concern as he was getting drilled. “lol look at dem buns.” he mumbled to the easter bunnies they baked beforehand. Dan locked eyes with the petrified and (somehow) sentient creatures.

“The only buns I’m seeing are yours, dear.”

“deer???? Fil u cunt misgendr the bunnys leik tht.”

A green substance trickled from Dan, and ever so promptly, Phil began to ruminate about his cousin, Shrek. God, now was not the time. “That just looks like melted Shrek.” he commented, trying to crack a joke but failing miserably. Dan rolled his eyes in a combination of ecstacy and embarrassment.

“This is the worst baking I’ve ever seen!” a rabbit critiqued. He threw his glasses and checkboard to the ground, plastered with a fat ‘0/10’ on the page. Dan and Phil really had to work on their kinky secs.

“oh ur seeing my achual orgasm face hre. mmmhhhhHHHHH” moaned Dan, cumming a tiny waterfall of sugar and cornflower. He gripped Phil’s meaty ogre nipples and milked them. “GET THOES HARD PEEKS INTO MY MOUHT”

The ogre climaxed and they both fell to the ground. Only a faint tune of All Star remained, ringing through the forest of sin.

All in all, things turned out pretty alright.

“I’m done with you, Danny boy.” Phil smirked after standing back up. “Now, get out of my swamp.”

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .  .

“Welp, okay, that’s it.” disclosed an emotionally scarred Dan Howell, shutting his laptop. “I’m never going on AO3 ever again, for the love of Christ.”

**Author's Note:**

> This has now overtaken my last phanfic as the worst thing my finger muscles have ever produced.
> 
> Note: insantly when Phil said 'MPREG FIC' this splendid idea came into mind.


End file.
